Foxs Enhanced 2005 NASCAR Package

Editor’s Note: The legal department says I have to tell you up front this is a joke, not a press release. If you couldn’t figure that out, you’re a joke too.

Responding to criticisms concerning its NASCAR TV coverage FOX will begin offering an enhanced and end-user customizable alternate broadcast of Cup races in 2005. Of course the new package will be “pay-per-view” but FOX defends the controversial move. Current FOX NASCAR programming tends to appeal to stupid people. Stupid people in general (with the exception of those who work for NASCAR) tend to make less money than smart people. So stupid people will continue to get the current broadcasts free, while smart people will pay a little extra to see enhanced coverage.

Among the exciting new features the enhanced package will offer:

Shut Him Up!- That’s right. Anytime Darrell Waltrip speaks during the broadcast itself or the pre-race show, the sound of his voice will be replaced with one of four more soothing tones that the viewer can select: Oceanside Surf, Mountain Waterfall, Prairie Breeze, or Man Who Has a Lick of Sense. Waltrip’s infamous “Boogity, boogity, boogity!” will be replaced with a gentle chiming sound to alert viewers that the race is about to begin.

The Larry Mac Mason-Dixon Line Translation- Many viewers want to hear what Larry McReynolds has to say, but either they can’t understand it or listening to his grammar and diction is like dragging their front teeth down a chalkboard. Viewers of the enhanced broadcast will have the volume muted while McReynolds speaks and the proper English translation will scroll across the bottom of the screen. For instance the sentence “I wuz jes fixin’ to say that NASCAR is goin’ to allower an ex-tree man over dah wall to clean the windshield” would be translated “I’d like to point out that NASCAR will allow an eighth man over the wall to clean the windshield.” Or, “DW, wun mo time reedgeup dere and pull em belts tide…..” would be translated, “Would you shut up you old fool, you’re making my ears ache listening to you…..”

Screen Clean- Tired of all those annoying graphics all over the screen that make it feel like you’re watching the race through a mail slot? One tap on the remote will either scrub them electronically away or leave just a field rundown scroll across the bottom of the screen where God and ESPN intended it to be.

Pop Up Stopper- Is there anything more annoying that popup ads while you’re surfing the Internet? If there is, it’s pop up ads while you’re trying to watch a race. How many times has a cheerleader or cartoon car come trotting out of the bottom left of the screen making you all of a sudden think that there’s about to be a huge wreck? Can you live without the Dodge Leader Board, the Wendy’s Race Menu, the Chevy Points Leaders, the Ford Moment, The Cingular Crew Chief Poll Question, The McDonalds Pit Crew Challenge, and all that other useless information. While it nearly took a technological miracle to get them to stay, it only takes you little finger to blow them away.

Commercial Excess- Have better things to do with your time that listen to the Budweiser Donkey, Smiling Bob Boner (who apparently thinks he’s hung like the Budweiser Donkey) and all those dumb Aaron’s ads? When the dumb people are watching commercials, viewers of the enhanced race broadcast will automatically be switched to TIVOed episodes of their favorite programs they’ve recorded. In a typical three hour race broadcast a fan ought to be able to catch and entire hour drama like NYPD Blue or the Shield, and a half hour sitcom like Scrubs or That 70’s Show. Which means you’ll have a couple more nights a week free to head to the local pub and ridicule Darrell Waltrip and his ego with your buddies. The smart ones anyway.

FOX Unplugged- Do you get annoyed watching ads and promos for programs on FOX even WHILE you’re trying to watch a program on FOX? Fox Unplugged uses the V-Chip to eliminate promos and ads for FOX’s programs that involve brain-numbingly dumb reality shows and poorly written oversexed programming, which eliminates 99 percent of the ads but allows you to see if there’s a new episode of the Simpsons or That 70’s Show on that week. So you can record them and watch them during the next race.

Checkout Time at the Earache Hotel- Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building and he took Chris Meyers and Jeff Hammond with him. Anytime the dumb folks watching the free broadcast are watching segments from inside the Hollywood Hotel, those with the enhanced package (no, not Enzyte users) will get to continue watching the race by selecting from a range of camera views open to them.

The Other 38- Do you enjoy watching stock car races but you want to see what’s going on with the drivers other than Dale Jr., Dale Jarrett, Michael Waltrip, Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson? Now you’ll be able to type in the number of the driver you want to view and see how he’s doing even if his sponsor hasn’t bought ads during FOX’s race broadcast!

To Tell the Truth- This exciting new feature will be active anytime Darrell Waltrip or Chris Meyers are talking. When they give incorrect information the word “WRONG” will flash across the screen in large red letters to let you know they are mistaken. A recent test of this system caused a meltdown when Chris Meyers noted how many times Bobby Labonte had finished second to Jeff Gordon when Labonte had not in fact finished second. When DW guesses about what year a certain event occurred the correct year will also flash across the screen. And when any member of the broadcast team is making a comment that reflects not reality but the fact that person is being compensated by some company to say it the words “Paid Endorsement” will flash on the screen to help viewers sift the wheat from the chaff.

Wish They’d All Make California Gone- There are some tracks where the racing is of such poor quality not even an ESPN quality broadcast could make the race interesting to watch. A special retina scanner attached to the enhanced package control unit will monitor the users blink rate and if it becomes apparent the viewer is about to doze off the unit will select a classic race video from a track like Rockingham, Darlington, Bristol, Richmond or North Wilkesboro. Highlights of the live race will be saved for the customer to view in about five minutes after the race ends.

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Monster Energy NASCAR Cup, 2004

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