World Racin Federation

Howdy Y’all.

Let’s see here…
*Dale Jr.’s car does things ain’t never been done before in a restrictor-plate race on the circuit’s first trip back to the track where his legendary father was killed;
*Kurt Busch wins at Bristol after doin’ a huge sponsor announcement there the day before fer a company that happens to have signed on to sponsor the night race at Bristol;
*Jeffy and Brooky is arguin’ over who gets the in-house chef;
*and NASCAR fines drivers (linin’ their own pockets) fer post-race maneuvers, but feels it’s ok when one feller slams another into the wall at 180 mph in front of a pack of oncomin’ traffic.

Y’all can call it racin’ if ya want to, but isn’t all of this – the fixin’, the relationship issues, the brass knuckles the referees just never seem to see – just a big ol’ rasslin’ match?

I don’t let my youngin’s watch rasslin, and I’m dern close to doin’ the same thing fer racin’. (FOX helps me out a good bit with this one by puttin’ stuff on FX – which many of us still can’t get on our sets.)

Coupla weekends ago at Bristol, the boys on the track and upstairs in the booth got so dern silly, it was just like watchin’ a rasslin’ match. So I decided – rather than all the name callin’ and girly grabbin’ I seen on the tube – I’d throw the Cup boys (and girl) in a ring, set’m to swingin’ at each other, and see who comes out on top.

I asked y’all to vote on who y’all figured would win, and after takin’ y’all’s votes… here’s how it turned out.

Order Out - Driver – Reason He Was Forced Out of the Fight

1. Buckshot “In the Dark” Jones – Feller is just used to bein’ the first one out.

2. Robby “What was Childress Thinkin’ or Drinkin’” Gordon – Attacked by every driver he ever wrecked in a race (all of them) as soon as the bell rang.

3. Shawna “Don’t Call Me Mrs.” Robinson – Suddenly realized she was competin’ against Cup drivers and didn’t belong.

4. Casey “At The B-” Atwood – Same as above.

5. Dick “I’d retire if it weren’t for the free Winstons” Trickle – Fightin’ old school don’t work when you cough up half a lung in the first five minutes.

6. Steve “Hit the One in the Middle” Park – Disqualified after mistakin’ the referee fer another fighter.

7. Ken “The Professor” Schrader – Had a sprint-car race he was late for.

8. Terry “Remember Me?” Labonte – Organizes a “these fellers are too friggin’ young and too friggin’ good” meeting and walks out.

9. Bobby “Green Eggs and” Hamilton – Joins Terry.

10. Brett “Who’d have thought I’d be getting Hooters at this Age” Bodine – Joins Terry and Bobby.

11. “I’ll Settle for any Row” Joe Nemechek – Joins Terry, Bobby and Brett (just so he can be part of some kind of organization).

12. Mark “I’m Not a Midget” Martin – Disqualified fer hittin’ below the belt.

13. John “Well, At Least I’ve Got the Last Name” Andretti – Same as above.

14. Jeff “Mark Martin and I are the third and fourth best drivers at Roush now?” Burton – Same as above.

15. Jimmie “It Won’t Be Long” Johnson – Cuz bossman Jeff Gordon said he had to finish worse than him.

16. Jeremy “I got screwed by Penske” Mayfield – Disqualified fer makin’ bad commercials.

17. Kurt “One Cup Win in hand is more than worth two in the” Busch – Pretty much fights like a girl.

18. Stacy “Yes it’s a girl’s name but I gotta race for A.J. Foyt so please give me a Break” Compton – Pretty much same as above.

19. Todd “Who’s Got a Ride?” Bodine – Disqualified fer “head glare” advantage.

20. Jeff “Brooke must have taken half my speed Too” Gordon – Had to leave fer a court date fer somethin’ or other.

21. Bobby “Pee Green” Labonte – Coach Gibbs decided to pull his second stringer.

22. Ricky “The Maine Man” Craven – Finally got caught bitin’ ever’body with them big ol’ choppers. Disqualified.

23. Matt “Can’t Eat No Fat” Kenseth – NASCAR determined his height was 1/3,000,000,000th under their pre-fight measurements and booted him.

24. Johnny “Win is just around the” Benson – But not today… again.

25. Rusty “Describes My Career” Wallace – Suddenly realized ya can’t whine if ya win.

26. Sterlin’ “Don’t Wake Me Up From This Dream” Marlin – Stepped out of the ring to fix his shorts. NASCAR determined that was illegal (this week, anyway).

27. Dale “The Truck Might Be Better Afterall” Jarrett – Apparently short on power in every regard this year.

28. Dale “GQ Beats Y’all’s Bar-B-Q any ol’ Day” Earnhardt Jr. – Ain’t quite learned how to use handed-down toughness genes yet.

29. Michael “Tall and Fluffy and Married to Buffy” Waltrip – Quit once his hair finally got messed up.

30. Ryan “Damn These Guys Are Overrated” Newman – Not quite scrappy enough yet.

31. Ward “The Wascully Wabbit” Burton – Country boys can usually survive.

And the winner…..
32. Tony “Pain In The… Back” Stewart – With a reporter’s tape recorder in hand and some five-day old growth all around his face, nobody would come near him.

PS - A bunch of y’all wondered why Jimmy Spencer weren’t included in Bubba’s Brawl. Well… I could say that I just plum fergot the feller that never fergets, but I’ll go with somethin’ else instead.

Ya see, some of these fellers get kinda awnry when I call’m names. Ya don’t think Mark “I’m not a Midget” Martin is happy with his nickname, do ya?

So when it come round to Jimmy, I figure he’s about the only feller on the whole dern circuit who could actually kick Bubba’s fanny, so I chose to subtly not include him.

Here’s to hopin’ Jimmy “The Back of My Neck Looks Like a Package of Hotdogs” Spencer still likes ol’ Bubba.

I’ll talk at y’all next week… I reckon.

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