Some Scary Stuff

Howdy Y’all.

Hope y’all had a wonderful weekend full of playin’ and racin’.

My weekend? Well, it started off pretty good with watchin’ the trucks racin’ and them Busch guys racin’, but the wife put me to work on Sundee mornin’, and I had me a bad experience.

Ya see, she heard some noises up under the house, and sent me down yonder to find what the deal was.

I opened that little door to crawl down under there, and two squirrels come runnin’ outta there as if someone just hollered “free peanuts… get your free peanuts here!”

To make a long story short, them buggers scared the livin’ bajeezies outta me, run up on the porch, seen I left the door open to the house, scurried into the livin’ room, climbed the dern walls, tore my Elvis paintin’, knocked over my spittoon and then run back out between my legs. I have to admit, as them critters run under me - havin’ torn up everythin’ in sight with them long teeth – I had visions of bein’ called Bubbina the rest of my days.

Annnnnnyway…. it got me to thinkin’ about bein’ a bit scared, and other stuff that gives me the willies. So this week’s column on racin’… yes, I’ll get to racin’ soon… is about stuff that scares me. Here goes….

Stuff That Scares Me Is…

*Restrictor plates

*Robby Gordon in the No. 31 car… and the No. 7 car… and the No. 4 car… and the No. 21 car... at a dern stock-car track at all.

*A prerace meal with Benny Parsons.

*Fellas in the garage talkin’ about “throwin’ rods." (Just sounds awful painful, don’t it?)

*Them TNT reporter uniforms. Looks like a Power Ranger episode where the big, bad enemy Cyclobot whooped their fannies.

*How all these fellers complain about their schedules, yet Jimmy Spencer can race on Sundee and still has time to star in that TV show “The King of Queens” on Mondee.

*Rusty Wallace’s motor program.

*The fact TV folks have done “in the memory of” stuff for Dale Earnhardt over and over and over, and think it’s OK just to do it at New Hampshire for Kenny Irwin and Adam Petty. Churns my stomach worse than grits and greens as a late-night snack.

*Greg Biffle whinin’ after HE ran into a lapped car while in second place and nobody near him.

*Those little bubble thingys on TV that show the car numbers. Look, we can’t see the drivers names, we can’t see their speeds, we can’t see their track position… so what information do them bubbles offer?… Of course, car numbers, the only dern thing we CAN see.

*Two weeks after the event, folks still writin’ columns about whether Dayton’r were fixed or not. Y’all just way behind or work for a magazine? Scary.

*Goodyear folks explainin’ how there ain’t a problem after car after car after car have tires go down and then slam up against a concrete wall.

*Terry Labonte’s season.

*The fact NASCAR probably needed 1,000 meetings to come up with a marketing plan for this year that focuses on “covering the championship points race.”

*People that think Mike Skinner or Jeremy Mayfield have any shelf life with them teams.

*How Mark Martin and Bill Clinton is both from Arkansas, both are fans of Viagra and both used to be worth talking about every week in the papers.

*Every dern lap at Dayton’r, Talladeg’r and now New Hampshire.

*That beer and cigarettes is OK to promote throughout an entire dern race, but the Crown Royal Fishing Tournaments is unethical or somethin’.

*The points system (ain’t really sure if it’s scary, or just plain silly… or both).

*Bein’ a teammate with Dale Jarrett.

*Liz Allison workin’ the pits durin’ a race. Like the lady, but if it weren’t fer her fingernails matchin’ her uniform, nothin’ would be workin’ right.

*Britney Spears at a race track.

*The announcer feller callin’ the Busch race tellin’ us – when he seen the red and yellow “pits closed” flag – that NASCAR was gonna stop all the cars on the track.

*Geoffrey Bodine gettin’ ready to jump in a Cup car owned by his brother Brett. Brett Bodine’s second-best car? Yikes.

*Interviews with Sterlin Marlin when ya ain’t got a Southern to English dictionary around.

*Andy Houston’s Cup future.

*The map-readin’ abilities of NASCAR bosses when Chicagoland Speedway is an hour or more outside of Chicago, the race “in St. Louis” is in Madison, Ill., and the race “in Atlanta” is a $150 cab ride from Atlanta’s city limits.

*Fact that folks ain’t come up with quality nicknames such as “Lippy and Zippy” for Tony Stewart and his crew chief.

*Ron Hornaday on four wheels, let alone two like he was this weekend.

*And last, but more scarier than anything…
More than a year after the first of a string of deaths – Adam Petty, Kenny Irwin, Tony Roper and Dale Earnhardt – the cars and speeds ain’t changed.

I’ll talk at y’all next week… I reckon.

Related Topics:

Monster Energy NASCAR Cup, 2001

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