What In Tarnation?

Hey Y’all.

Ever’body done dried out after that soggy weekend at Dover?

Is there anythin’ more depressin’ than sittin’ down in that La-Z-Boy with a few brewskis and a bag o’ Bugles only to find out it’s rainin’ at the track and they won’t be racin’ fer hours?

Oh yeh, I guess there is one thing more depressin’… knowin’ the race is bein’ televised on FX and you can’t watch it whether it’s rainin’ or not.

Anywho, them truck, Busch and Cup boys eventually did take to the Monster Mile at Dover, and here’s some stuff I seen-heard-thunk about…

*Mike Skinner, a while back, was wonderin’ why he didn’t get the ride that Kevin Harvick did with Childress Racin’ after Dale Earnhardt died. Well, feller… I’d recommend you watch a tape of yourself knockin’ poor little Bobby Hamilton Jr. outta that Busch race on Saturday. It just might give ya some idea’r.

*On that same deal… The Top 5 in that Dover Busch race was all Cup guys (Spencer, Kenseth, Harvick, Skinner and Park). These boys (with the exception of Harvick) is out there racin’ fer money, not points. When I hear Skinner took out a Busch regular like Hamilton, and Kenseth took out a Busch regular like Jimmie Johnson, it plum burns my britches. Knock that stuff off, will ya?

*Humpy Bumper
Give ya a wooden nickel if ya can say that five times real fast without messin’ up.

*Hey Jeff Green… please go ahead and sign with Childress or somebody to race in Cup full time next year. Not cuz you’re so good in Busch and not cuz your gettin’ older and runnin’ out of time, but cuz ya gotta get outta that yeller uniform with the bunny on it. Ever’time I see ya, I’m reminded of that yeller teletubby… think his name is Lala.

*Woo Hoo!!! Y’all, it’s almost time to celebrate… only two more weekends left of this FX nonsense. That’s right, come July 8 at Watkins Glen, we’ll all actually get a chance to watch some Busch racin’.

*Speakin’ of FOX, y’all see that thing with Jimmy Spencer fightin’ over cookies with some old woman? It was a preview to the Cup race on Sunday and it was about the dumbest dern thing I seen on TV since… well… since all of the previous previews these folks done. I figure FOX musta paid that gajillion dollars for the rights to broadcast this stuff and plum run outta money to hire a staff with an inklin’ of creativity and talent. NBC, TBS… y’all do us a huge favor and go ahead and start next week… please?

*Y’all see that Britney Spears is gonna be the grand marshal at the Pepsi 400 at Dayton’r in July? At first I thought that was just plain ridiculous, but then I realized it was probably because she sangs Tony Stewart’s theme song when speakin’ to the press… “Oops, I did it again.”

*With Casey Atwood and Bill Elliott stinkin’ up the joint, and the Dodge trucks havin’ won all eight of the NCTS events this year… ya reckon Ted Musgrave could walk over to the Cup garage and give Ray Evernham a few pointers?

*Good buddy of mine told me Kenny Wallace was on FX - hangin’ out in that silly Hammond booth - tellin’ a story about his brother Rusty and how he chased some feller out in the street wearin’ nothin’ but his underwears. I don’t get FX, so I missed the story, but it shore might explain where Rusty got the nickname Crusty… ya reckon?

*Hey FOX, I got me an idea’r that might really take your broadcast to another level… why don’t y’all get some squirt guns, and run into the broadcast booths and start squirtin’ each other? And don’t do it just one weekend, do it often. And when you’re not doing it, y’all could sit around and talk about doing it. Man, I’d have to gather up the family around the TV for quality work such as that.

*So I see Mark Martin – who ain’t won a race - is the only driver in Cup to have led a lap in every dern race this season. Pretty sad when stayin’ out an extra lap while everyone else pits is your highlight week-in and week-out.

*As a special bonus fer y’all, and in honor of Jeff Gordon bein’ up for some sissified GQ award, I figured I’d do my own little fashion awards for current Cup drivers… wanna hear’m, here they go:

Best Hat: Richard Petty (sorry Mr. Roush, weren’t even close)

Best Shoes: Dave Marcis and the ol’ wingtips.

Best Hair: Mark Martin (ain’t changed his hairstyle since he was… well… born)

Best Mustache: Mike Skinner (feller has to win somethin’… so I’ll give’m this)

Best Forehead: Todd Bodine (it’s also the largest)

Best Acne: Casey Atwood (that puberty stuff is hell, ain’t it?)

Best Style: Kyle Petty (he’s either one of a kind or stuck in a serious mid-life crisis)

Best Ears: Kurt Busch (if it weren’t fer the helmet, them’d be some serious wind resistance)

Best Goatee: Dale Jr. (that sucker has come and gone as often as Junie Donlavey’s drivers)

Best Freckles: Bill Elliott (Awesome Bill from Howdy Doodyville)

Best Eyebrow: Jeff Gordon (without trimmin’, that sucker would go for days)

Best Improvement: Terry Labonte (without the nose fuzz, he looks about 10 years younger)

Best Wrinkles: Dave Marcis (a few of them wrinkles is older than these rookies)

Best Smile: Anyone with the last name Petty… Hands down.

Best Tears: Kim Burton (Lotta pride in them victory tears)

Best Coat: Mike Helton (could be 110 degrees and he’d still be sportin’ the heavy threads)

Best Spurs: Jeff Hammond (course, he’s the only one who’d think it logical to wear spurs to a race track)

I’ll talk at y’all next week… I reckon.

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