Talkin NASCAR Politics

As ever’body I know is still talkin’ politics and votin’ – heck, this is takin’ longer than NASCAR decidin’ on a fine for somebody - I figured I’d let y’all know there’s still some issues (in NASCAR) that need addressin’.

Here’s my thoughts on the major issues…

Go ahead and keep them open-wheel fellers like Scott Pruett and Robby Gordon outta Winston Cup. They’s just gettin’ in the way.

Capital Punishment
Make Ironhead suffer the same penalties as everyone else when he “rattles someone’s cage” and sends their car into the wall. How many cars did he hit at Homestead, anyway?

Keep the sounds and smells of race day the same, and don’t ever stop fans from carryin’ in a bit of beer and some fried chicken. Havin’ coolers with ya at a race was somethin’ our foundin’ fathers said is a constitutional right… didn’t they?

First Lady
Any chance of gettin’ Miss Winston on the TV screen a good bit more?

Defense Spending
After makin’ a trillion bucks a year, ya reckon we could afford to make a few changes to tracks that would help stop fellers from slammin’ into concrete walls and dyin’?

Social Security
Rather than letting old stars like Smokey Yunick, Marvin Panch, etc., rot in obscurity after their drivin’ careers (some dirt poor), let’m have some job that keeps’m in the sport. They’ve earned it. Anybody seen the likes of Cale Yarborough, Bobby Allison or Ernie Irvan lately? Didn’t think so.

Foreign Affairs
Since we ain’t racin’ in Japan no more, lets give Russia a try. Jeff Gordonov, Dale Earnhardtinski and Mark Martinova might be a heckuva draw. Reckon they’d sell Vodka with them corn dogs?

Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and stop puttin’ spins on everything. You might think fans are dummies… but we ain’t.

Technical Advancement
We can put men and women in space, talk to folks in Egypt on video phones and buy cars off the internet, but can’t figure out this stupid restrictor-plate rule? Maybe the effort just ain’t quite there, ya think?

Presidential Vetos
Just about everybody is hollerin’ fer a new points system so we can actually have some good championship battles. No more vetos, the people have spoken… fix it!

Soft Money
The little guys don’t have a chance with all the bucks the big-boy multicar teams raise. One team, one car, that’s it. How many single-car teams won this year? Yeh, this is fair.

Enterprise Zones
I seen $20 for a dern hat, and $15 for a dern T-shirt at the track. Then I seen NASCAR getting’ sued – and settlin’ outta court – for some trackside sales problems. Hmmm. Lets at least pretend we’re puttin’ fans first on that stuff, eh?

Affirmative Action
Where the heck is Willy T. Ribbs? Word is he may be comin’ back… let’s make it happen.

Land Conservation
Lets see, can we stop addin’ races now? Is the goal to have a track in every city and make these teams run about three times a week? Enough is enough… well, at least until that track in New York is built… then Seattle… then Boston… then Provo… then Terre Haute… then Apple Creek Corners…

Minimum Wage
Twenty bucks per person to get a grandstand seat, that’s it. I might even be able to take my youngins to a race someday if that law passes.

National Monuments
Treasures like North Wilkesboro can no longer be closed down just cuz the wrong people own it.

National Holidays
Race fans ain’t gotta be at work until noon on Monday, cuz it’s obvious neither NASCAR nor a single track is gonna figure out a way to handle traffic after an event.

Stop servin’ them huge barbecue sandwiches and Philly cheesesteak things. I ain’t got an artery left that ain’t workin’ overtime already.

Military Spending
Reckon them jets that fly over before each race could just keep flyin’ over during certain races – like at New Hampshire or Homestead this year – so there’s somethin’ worth watchin?

Oval Office
Every track has to have doors on the stalls in the bathrooms. Ain’t too much to ask, is it?

Equal Opportunity Employment
Let them Hoosier and Firestone folks in. Their tires can’t be blowin’ up any more than them Goodyear things are this year.

Flag Burning
If the yellow flag is waving and it’s the final five laps of an event, go ahead and burn that sucker. No race ends under caution, never!

Supreme Court
Justices must fine and dock points from everyone who uses and illegal part – let’s say an illegal intake manifold for instance? – and not just the feller who happened to be criticizing the court just days before.

Traffic Laws
Lets bump up the minimum speed for a driver to stay on the track so that fellers like Dave Marcis ain’t two laps down and still holdin’ up traffic in the fast lane with his blinker stuck on.

Voter Registration
Ya reckon if we passed out free tickets as them 80 million Americans signed up to vote we could fill at least some of them disgustingly empty grandstands durin’ Busch and Truck races?

Hold one each and every Thursday to find out who is gonna be drivin’ for Joe Bessey’s Cup team that week.

Camp David
Change the name to Camp Dale and charge folks $10 a head just to have the right to enter and buy souvenirs for $30 or more apiece.

Presidential Trivi’r
This ain’t no issue, but my head is so plum full of presidential and NASCAR trivi’r that I figured you’d get a kick out of it. Here goes….

*In Winston Cup history, there have been drivers with the last names of Adams, Buchanan, Bush, Carter, Cleveland, Clinton, Ford, Grant, Harrison, Hayes, Hoover, Jackson, Jefferson, Johnson, Kennedy, Pierce, Taylor, Tyler and Wilson.
(They was all presidents… ya followin’ me?)

*Drivers with presidential full names include - George Bush (five starts, three Top 10s); Bill Clinton (six starts, no Top 10s); William Harrison (10 starts, four Top 10s); John Kennedy (19 starts, no Top 10s); and Woodrow Wilson (10 starts, two Top 10s).

*There hasn’t been a driver with the last name of Lincoln, but there was a Wilkes and a Booth.

*There ain’t been no Washington’s racin’, but there was a Cherry and a Bush.

*There hasn’t been an Al Gore, but Wally Gore did compete in one race (completing only 81 miles). Wait, lemme do a recount... yep, still 81 miles.

*At one time there was a John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Teddy Kennedy and two Oswalds.

*Ain’t been no Whitehouses, but there was a Soapy Castles.

*No Cup driver was named Richard Nixon, but there was a Harry Leake.

*No McKinley, but there was a McGinley.

*No Reagans, but there have been two Ragans.

*No Taft, but there was a Tet (who wouldn’t exchange a Tet for a Taft?)

*No Jimmy Carter has ever competed, but there was a Douglas Wimpy.

*No Mondales, Dukakis’, Doles or Quayles, but there was a Crash and Burns.

*Lastly… There hasn’t been a Lewinsky, but there was a Phil Good and a F. Lies.

I’ll talk at y’all next week… I reckon.

I shore do like talkin’ with y’all, so please send any questions or comments ya have about racin’ or my columns to I promise to answer’m all.

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Monster Energy NASCAR Cup, 2000

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