Not So Grand Finales

Y’all may not wanna go past this point in my column this week.

If ya didn’t take my warnin’, and made it to this line, here’s the deal. I usually see the good and bad in this NASCAR world - and comment on both – but this week, I’m in a bit of a bad mood.

In other words, if you only want the happy-happy-joy-joy stuff ya get elsewhere, then go elsewhere immediately. You ain’t gettin’ nothin’ but the truth here. And sometimes, the truth ain’t pretty.

Ignorance is Bliss
I sat in front of my TV just hollerin’ on Sunday after Ricky Rudd (the leader) slammed into that derned Viagra car (not in contention, yet crashin’ in front of Rudd). All I wanna know is this… Who fell asleep, Mike Bliss or his spotter? Rick Mast is goin’ about 50 mph for half a dern lap and neither Bliss nor his spotter happen to notice such until they’re crashin’ into him? Gimme a break. If y’all had opened your dern eyes, we mighta ended up with a pretty good finish.

Buddy System Stinks
On that same topic, y’all announcers just stop makin’ excuses fer everyone. I know you’re all friends and probably hug each others wives out in the motor-home area, but we fans want the real story, not some watered-down, ain’t nobody to blame for anything bologna that keeps ya in good graces with the folks runnin’ the sport. Mike Bliss pulled down and right into the back of Mast. If Bliss hadn’t moved, he wouldn’t have hit him and then Rudd. Y’all watchin’ a different race?

Tag Teamin’
And another thing. Ya reckon one of the reasons Jeff Burton (a Roush driver) made up some ground on Rudd just before that accident was because Kevin Lepage (another Roush driver) couldn’t seem to get his lapped car outta the derned way? It wasn’t as bad as some tag-teamin’ that goes on, but I’m about fed up with owners havin’ three or four cars in races at once. Two cars per team, that’s it… ya hear me!

The iNebriated Network
Adios TNN. Ya know, I liked races on TNN, but just about tossed my collard greens watchin’ the end of Sunday’s broadcast. If ya missed it, Eli Gold said him a classy goodbye, talkin’ about and thankin’ fans. Then, for what seemed like 10 dern minutes that Dick Burger (Bergin, Burgundy… ya know, the guy with the goofy hat) loses himself in what an honor it’s been for him to have a job. Yikes. To top that off – after some great clips of racin’ on TNN through the years – there’s this slide show of pictures of TNN crew folks that looked like a fraternity party gone bad. Not only was the quality of the pictures worse than what my shaky 90-year-old grandma takes, but the content was even worse. If ya missed it – I hope ya did – it was people wearin’ T-shirts and jeans, most of whom were drinkin’, carryin’ or at the least stumblin’ over beer cans. If you was wonderin’ why TNN missed the correct angles on certain shots, or followed the 35th-place car while there was a battle fer the lead… I reckon all that beer drinkin’ may explain some of that.

Title Dreams
I had me this dream last night that the title races in the trucks, Busch and Cup divisions were actually somehow entertainin’. Tunin’ in to see if Bobby Labonte can finish 28th or better at Homestead is a real draw, ain’t it? Greg Biffle ran away with the truck title and I think Jeff Green clinched back in June. Wake me up when Speedweeks in Daytona gets goin’ – or NASCAR opens its eyes and changes the points system - will ya?

More To Come
I read that Homestead is havin’ to change some event times this year cuz NBC has a small conflict with a Notre Dame football game. Here we go folks, welcome to the new TV package. Are y’all ready for races to go off the air – or be switched to some channel many of us don’t get – because Tiger Woods get a hangnail on hole No. 3? Ready or not, here it comes.

Silly Stuff
I seen that commercial with Dale Jarrett – in his driver’s uniform of all things – having a picnic with John Madden with some Outback Steakhouse models. It got me to thinkin’, with Outback as the official Australian-esque restaurant of NASCAR, and McDonald’s as the official drive-thru with a clown as its mascot restaurant, and who knows what might be the official pancake house, ribs joint, pizza palace or sushi store of NASCAR, how are we loyal fans to decide what’s fer dinner? I reckon we could just pick somethin’ up at the Food Lion… wait, Kroger… no, Food City… no, Sam’s…. ah, heck with it.

Not a Foyt’n Chance
OK, so A.J. Foyt comes into NASCAR and puts Mike Bliss in his car. Bad move that didn’t last. Then he goes through Dick Trickle-type talent and ends up with Rick Mast. Bad moves that didn’t work. Now, he signs Ron Hornaday – who ain’t never run a season in the Cup series – and puts his son – who hardly knows a stock car from the stock market - in a full-time Busch ride. Good thing Foyt’s Cup sponsor – Conseco – deals with insurance, cuz there is catastrophe after catastrophe surroundin’ that group.

RacingOne No. 1
OK, gotta slide in one positive thought this week. Y’all notice that was painted across the entire decklid of Jeff Burton’s winnin’ car on Saturday? I figured these editors was real winners when they wanted just a plain ol’ fan like me to write somethin’ for’m each week, but I had no idea they was gonna be winnin’ on the track, too. Good job fellers… can I have a raise?

I’ll talk at y’all next week… I reckon.


I shore do like talkin’ with y’all, so please send any questions or comments ya have about racin’ or my columns to I promise to answer’m all.

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