Ifn I Was The Boss

Shore do appreciate y’all writin’ me yesterday wonderin’ why my column wasn’t on the site on Tuesday like normal. Well, ol’ Burrhead here took him a vacation and just got back in last evenin’. I’ll be back on Tuesday next week, ya hear?

So, what’s on my mind this here week? Well, I been hearin’ all this talk about a power struggle at NASCAR -- Jim France, Brian France, Mike Helton, Jim Hunter, Al Gore, Ghandi -- all stickin’ their fingers in the pie one way or another.

I figure what NASCAR needs at the top is someone with a strong will, someone who ain’t afraid to speak their mind, someone who thinks of the fans instead of the pocket book, someone who actually owns overalls with team logos on’m. Someone like Bill Jr. or his daddy.

I reckon I fit into that description pretty dern well, so here’s just a few of the things I promise to do after the suits step aside and let me run the show.

When elected Grand Pooh Bah of NASCAR, I will ...

  • Make Miss Winston my personal assistant. ... Hey, this job ain’t so dern bad.

  • Sell all the tracks to individuals or companies that don’t run the sport under another name. Havin’ ISC own tracks is like havin’ Major League Baseball own Yankee Stadium or Fenway Park. I won’t get into details, y’all know them anyways, but it just ain’t right.

  • Have every single race end with green-flag racin’.

  • Make the Busch and Truck races last longer. On Sunday, I get me a three-hour break from doin’ chores, but them series’ races get over too dern quick.

  • Sell tickets at 20 bucks each and fill up the joint rather than 60 bucks each and have empty seats.

  • Have the Winston Cup banquet in Charlotte where the fans are instead of havin’ it in New York City so corporate partners is impressed.

  • Change the points system so winning a race actually means a great deal.

  • Give that lady who had Dale Earnhardt in the No Bull 5 event at Richmond her money.

  • Give a second Cup date to Texas and stop havin’ second dates at places that don’t sell.

  • Limit multicar teams to two cars per event and give the little guy a chance.

  • Paint up Bobby Labonte’s car in Kmart colors and give it to Darrell Waltrip at Atlanta. Bobby will win the dern title anyway, and DW can have a chance to go out in style.

  • Penalize everybody equally for cheap-shot drivin’ whether they’ve won numerous championships or not.

  • Make sure people that leave the sport, after makin’ what it is, are still around the track in some capacity ... Ernie Irvan, Cale Yarborough, Donnie-Bobby Allison, Smokey Yunick ... you folks will always have a position at the track with me.

  • Cut about five weeks outta the season. You think the drivers got it tough, you oughta see the schedule them crew fellers is havin’ to live by.

  • Have every driver spend a few hours, every couple of weekends, signin’ autographs at his souvenir trailer.

  • Spend some of my millions and find a tire that isn’t in question every dern week of the season.

  • Open up the Garage Mahals so fans don’t have to look through windows several feet away to see what’s happenin’.

  • Have a beach race down in Daytona. It won’t count fer championship points, but it’d be a heckuva lot more interestin’ than that IROC stuff we have to put up with.

  • Have Faith Hill sing the national anthem at every event.

  • Limit special paint schemes to two a year so ever’ week we ain’t spending 10-15 laps tryin’ to figure out who is who this time around.

  • Return the sport’s races to television stations that most folks can get at home.

  • Give Junie Donlavey some help.

  • Make sure my wife wakes me up prior to the races bein’ over rather than tellin’ me "it just ended dear, so-and-so won, now get off the couch."

    Talk at ya next week ... I reckon.
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