Handing Out Tricks And Treats

I ain’t exactly sure how a pagan holiday got so dern big in this country (ya reckon that NASCAR marketin’ group had somethin’ to do with it?), but since my little ones just can’t wait to dress up like Power Rangers, Pokemorons and all them other little fightin’ cartoon characters created in Japan, I’m getting’ into Halloween a little bit.

In fact, I got me a whole bag full of tricks and treats I’m handin’ out to NASCAR drivers this year.

The tricks is magical potions and ingredients I’m throwin’ into my Bubba brew for some of the boys, and the treats… well, they’re just a little somethin’ for doing the right thing.

Here’s who is getting what…

John Andretti (Trick) – With a dose of magic owl oil, I’m changin’ your car back into the STP mobile. Looks downright ridiculous with that Cheerios stuff all over it, and some things ain’t supposed to change. One of them is Petty’s car having STP on the hood.

Johnny Benson (Treat) – A bag of SweetTarts for you my man, cuz it shore is sweet to see someone who got screwed by a mega-team come back and do so well with some boys that ain’t supposed to be this good.

Mike Bliss (Trick) – Chameleon corneas in the pot turn you back into a truck series driver. It’s good to have dreams, but sometimes they’re best left as dreams. Go back and give Jack Sprague some competition, will ya?

Jeff Burton (Treat) – Some pink cotton candy fer ya Jeff to remind ya how God-awful-lookin’ that Exide car was. Pink ain’t fer NASCAR racin’. Thank ya kindly fer finally steerin’ somethin’ a real man can pull for.

The Bodine Boys (Trick) – Triple additions of eagle eyes in the brew for Geoffrey, Brett and Todd to help y’all to see it just ain’t meant to be anymore. We love y’all, ya done great, but open them peepers and realize you’re just out there holdin’ up the leaders.

Ricky Craven (Treat) – A Tootsie Pop in your bag to remind ya sometimes it takes a while to get to the good part. Injuries, Hendrick headaches, battlin’ to make races with this No. 50 group… Little Ricky, here’s hopin’ some good stuff is headed your way soon.

Ward Burton (Trick) – Turkey tongues in the soup will help ya spit out them words a little more clearly. I likes the way ya talk, but bein’ known for your accent when you’re an extremely talented driver just ain’t right.

Dale Earnhardt (Trick) – Cat claws in my concoction will help ya get a grip on reality. Had racing – not making millions – been the focus, your last title wouldn’t have been six years ago.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. (Treat) – A box of Junior Mints for you Little E cuz your entrance into Winston Cup racin’ has been incredibly refreshin’. Keep the youthful enthusiasm goin’ and you’ll be fan favorite forever.

Bill Elliott (Treat) – One Big Mac for the road. It’ll be a reminder that ya ain’t won since ya switched to the McDonald’s colors in 1995, and what a good move it was to get out now.

Jeff Gordon (Trick) – Peacock plumes join the mix to make your rainbow colors appear bright once again. The “Invisible Man” costume this season was different, but it weren’t nearly as entertainin’.

Robby Gordon (Treat) – An Everlastin’Gobstopper from Willy Wonker. At least something with that team will last more than a couple of laps.

Dale Jarrett (Treat) – A bag of Miracle Grow so that mustache will come back in. Shavin’ that off for this season may have helped in gettin’ some commercial deals, but it shore weren’t a good luck charm on the track. Get it back and let’s see.

Matt Kenseth (Trick) – Hyena hairs as a secret ingredient will help ya laugh it up a bit son. You’ve made it to the top, won a big race and you’re gonna be the rookie of the year. With a personality of some kind, heck, fans might even notice ya out there.

Terry Labonte (Treat) – Same exact thing Dale Jarrett got. See above.

Dave Marcis (Treat) – I’m slidin’ a plain ol’ Hershey bar in your bag Dave cuz I reckon the last time you were in contention to win a race was back when them things were invented. Glad to hear you’re takin’ some races off next year, it’s time. It’s been time for a few years now. Dave… yo, Dave… ya hear me, it’s TIME.

Mark Martin (Trick) – Two giraffe jaws in my miracle brew will help ya stand tall once again. You’ll still be around 5’6 in stature, but this’ll put ya back in title contention in 2001… where you’re supposed to be.

Bobby Labonte (Treat) – Just a big ol’ bag of sugar for you Mr. Winston Cup champion. I’m hopin’ you’ll take it by the spoonful startin’ right now so that it’ll give ya a jolt during interviews. Lord, man, when somebody asks ya what’s it like to be a champion, try to have some kind of emotion, some sign that it actually means somethin’ to ya, some sign that you’re still awake.

Kyle Petty (Treat) – Take whatever you want friend. You’re a helluva man to fight through all you’re fighting through and for doin’ so much for those less fortunate. Don’t get all caught up in not runnin’ near the front no more, cuz anybody that don’t see you as “Da Man,” can’t see past their nose anywho.

Robert Pressley (Trick) – About a thousand rabbit’s feet and a dozen four-leaf clovers in the pot for you good ol’ boy. You got more bad luck than a blind possum livin’ next to the interstate.

Scott Pruett (Treat) – A giant-sized carton of Whoppers for you and any of them other fellers that is fibbin’ to yourselves if ya think you can leave them sissy-fied open-wheel thingys and come over hear and make an impact. All y’all take the dern fenders off and go race single-file somewheres in Brazil or Austria, will ya?

Ricky Rudd (Treat) – Slippin’ a Starburst into your bag there Rick, cuz I have a feelin’ you’re about to bust out and challenge for that title in 2001. It’ll be anybody’s race toward that championship, but I figure it’d be cool for a nice guy to finish first.

Jimmy Spencer (Treat) – A six-pack o’beer and a pound’o barbecue. Fer no particular reason other than that’s what a real race-car driver like you – not the phony consumer-friendly guys we see today – oughta be slidin’ in front of himself when chowin’ with the crew. Heck, some of these big-time boys probably don’t even know all their crew.

Rusty Wallace (Trick) – Tossin’ some Elephant ears in the pot so ya hear me but good… “The race is more important than qualifyin’!” Y’all figure out how to run as well on race day as ya do on qualifyin’ day and some folks will go back to thinkin’ of you as a title threat.

Tony Stewart (Treat) – A whole bunch of lemons so we can all understand why the heck you’re so sour all the dern time. Joe Gibbs is makin’ it easy on ya right now, ya better have some fun with it while ya can. Don’t believe me? Ask Mr. Gordon what one change can do to a team.

Darrell Waltrip (Treat) – Handin’ ya some Goody’s Headache Powders to help with all the dern pain you’ve gone through this year. You’re a good man Charlie Brown – and will be remembered as one of the greatest. Head off into that broadcast booth and give us some good, honest reportin’… we’d like that for a change.

I'll talk at y’all next week… I reckon.

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